Ranger Keith's Texas Humor Page
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Last Update: 1 September 2001

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Around the park...

Things a True Southerner Knows

  • Armidillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
  • Roadrunners don't say "Beep Beep".
  • There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.
  • There are 10,000 types of spiders. 10,001 live in Texas.
  • Armidillos love to dig holes under tomato plants.
  • Racoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
  • If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
  • Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
  • There are valid reasons some people put constatine wire around their house.
  • You cannot find a country road without a curve from corner to corner.
  • A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
  • Texas has 5 seasons:
          Spring, Feb 16 to April 15
          Summer, April 16 to July 15 (temp 90 to 98 degrees)
          Super Summer, July 16 to Sept 10 (temp 100 to 115 degrees)
          Summer, Sept. 11 to Oct 1 (temp 90 to 98 degrees)
          Fall, Oct 2 to Dec. 1
          Winter Dec. 2 to Feb 15
          There is NO rainy season (or rain).
  • The wind blows at 90 MPH from Oct. 2 until July 15, then it stops totally.
  • Onced and Twiced are words.
  • It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
  • Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
  • Graduating 1st in your class means you left in the 8th grade.
  • Coldbeer is one word.
  • People actually grow and eat Okra.
  • Texans really don't have an accent.
  • When the world ends, only cockroaches and mesquite trees will survive.
  • Green grass DOES burn.
  • When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.
  • The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first couple of weeks.
  • When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to go to the doctor.
  • Fixinto is one word.
  • A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds water for irrigation.
  • Backards and Forards means I know everything about you.
  • You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.
  • You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

  • The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.
  • Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.
  • What general direction catty-wampus is.
  • That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar.
  • When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.
  • The difference between Yankees and damn Yankees.
  • How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.
  • What "Well, I swanne!" means.
  • Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits.
  • A good dog is worth it's weight in gold.
  • Real gravy don't come from the store.
  • Where "by and by" is.
  • How to handle their "pot likker."
  • The difference between "pert near" and "a right far piece."
  • Never go snipe hunting twice.
  • What happens when you swallow tobacco juice.
  • Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
  • You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows.
  • You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.
  • A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up.
  • Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.

    You Know You're From Texas If...

  • Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
  • "Vacation"means going to the family reunion.
  • You've seen all the big bands ten years after they were popular.
  • You measure distance in minutes.
  • You know several people who have hit a deer.
  • Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
  • Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
  • You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
  • Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
  • Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies.
  • You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals.
  • You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.
  • You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
  • All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.
  • You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
  • You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
  • You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.
  • You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" is.
  • You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
  • You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
  • The local papers covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
  • You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
  • You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
  • You find 90 degrees F "a little warm."
  • You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas.
  • You know whether another Texan is from southern, middle, or northern Texas as soon as they open their mouth.
  • There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
  • Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."
  • You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
  • You can be satisfied with a meal consisting only of a hunk of bread with flavored flour and water (a delicacy known as "biscuits n' gravy")
  • You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from Texas.
  • You use the phrase "fixin' to" almost daily.
  • Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
  • You've ever been excused from school because "the cows got out."
  • You can properly pronounce the town Mexia, Waxahachie and Mesquite.
  • You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration and he didn't mean farm animals.
  • You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.
  • You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother's birthday.
  • You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.
  • You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.
  • You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
  • A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other one go first.
  • When you hear a tornado siren, you go out and look for a funnel.
  • Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
  • You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
  • You know that everything goes better with Ranch.
  • You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
  • You know that "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

    To send something new yourself, .



    Good advice for Northerners movin' to Texas...

  • Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Don't buy food at this store.
  • If you do settle in Texas and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Texans. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call'em biscuits!
  • Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
  • Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Texans can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
  • If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive pick-up equipped with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
  • You can ask Texans for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
  • Remember: "Y'all is singular." "All y'all is plural." All y'all's is plural possessive."
  • Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
  • Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either.
  • The first Texas expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol," as in "big ol truck," or "big ol boy."
  • As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Texans learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
  • If you hear a Texan exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
  • Most Texans do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Texas license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
  • If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
  • The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December.
  • If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.
  • Satellite dishes are very popular in Texas. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
  • Be advised that in Texas, "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.


    You know you've seen a Texas doctor when your chart reads...

    (these are actual notes from real charts)
  • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  • On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
  • She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  • The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
  • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  • Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
  • Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  • The patient refused an autopsy.
  • The patient has no past history of suicides.
  • Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
  • Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
  • Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
  • The skin was moist and dry.
  • Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
  • Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  • Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
  • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
  • I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
  • Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
  • The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  • The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
  • Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
  • The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
  • Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. X, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
  • Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
  • Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
  • Patient appears responsive, but unable to communicate with me.
  • Bladder is under control, but cannot stop urine from seeping.
  • Heart problem is fixed. Patient died at 10:07 this morning.
  • Complains of chest pain occasionally. Otherwise just a pain.
  • Patient is always telling me about her pains and problems. This remains a significant pain to me.
  • The blood workup showed no antibodies present. Need the rest of the blood to be sure, however.
  • If it weren't for the fact that the patient is dead, I would say he was in perfect health.
  • Testicles are missing on this woman.
  • Breast enlarged beyond belief. Upon extensive examination, found signs of at least one saline implant in each breast. Further examination is required.


    Texas medical terms...

  • Benign - What you be after you be eight.
  • Artery - The study of paintings.
  • Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
  • Barium - What doctors do when patients die.
  • Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome
  • Catscan - Searching for Kitty
  • Cauterize - Make eye contact with her
  • Colic - A sheep dog
  • Coma - A punctuation mark
  • D&C - Where Washington is
  • Dilate - To live long
  • Enema - Not a friend
  • Fester - Quicker than someone else
  • Fibula - A small lie
  • G.I.Series - World series of military baseball
  • Hangnail - What you hang your coat on
  • Impotent - Distinguished, well known
  • Labor Pains - Getting hurt at work
  • Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane
  • Morbid - A higher offer than I did
  • Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates
  • Node - I knew it
  • Outpatient - A person who has fainted
  • Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
  • Post Operative - A letter carrier
  • Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
  • Rectum - nearly killed him
  • Secretion - Hiding something
  • Seizure - Roman emperor
  • Tablet - A small table
  • Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport
  • Tumor - More than one
  • Urine - Opposite of you're out
  • Varicose - Near by/close by


    Good advice for campin' in Texas...

  • When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
  • Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
  • A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
  • The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
  • While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
  • Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
  • Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying match.
  • You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
  • You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
  • When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
  • Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping: Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
  • A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
  • A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
  • In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
  • The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
  • The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
  • It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
  • Bear warning bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bear.


    You know you're in Texas when...

  • You only know five spices: salt, pepper, Ranch dressing, BBQ Sauce and ketchup.
  • You design your Halloween costume to fit over Wranglers and Cowboy Boots.
  • The mosquitoes have landing lights.
  • You have more miles on your tractor than your car.
  • You have 10 favorite recipes for Deer meat.
  • You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was 90 degrees outside.
  • You owe more money on your bulldozer than your car.
  • The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local sports.
  • You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2 Hungr-Busters and fries.
  • At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
  • The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
  • Your leaf-blower gets stuck on the roof
  • You think the start of Deer season is a national holiday.
  • You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the coyotes won't prowl on your deck.
  • You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
  • The major county fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.
  • You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly.
  • The trunk of your car doubles as a sauna.
  • You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry, and your Cowboy Boots.
  • You know 4 seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Deer Season
  • You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
  • You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
  • You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
  • You can make instant sun tea.
  • You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
  • The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a bit chilly.
  • You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
  • You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
  • You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
  • Hot water now comes out of both taps.
  • It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
  • You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
  • You break a sweat the instant you step outside...at 7:30 a.m. before work.
  • No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
  • Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is,"What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?
  • You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.


    It's so hot in Texas...

  • The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
  • The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
  • Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.


    It's so dry in Texas...

  • The cows are giving evaporated milk.
  • The trees are whistling for the dogs.


    Texas Stories

  • A University of Texas student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party, met a pretty coed, and attempted to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does y'all go to school?" While the coed, of course, was rather unimpressed with his grammar and Texas drawl, she at least answered his question. "Yale," she replied. At that, the Texan took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES Y'ALL GO TO SCHOOL?"

  • Three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor school of divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.
    The second one is strapped in and gives his last words, "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go too.
    The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires."

  • A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old Texas rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
    The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that bull came home this morning.

  • It has been said that if God wanted Texans to ski, He would have made cow pies white.

  • Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, a Texas teacher stopped to gently warn the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."
    The student looked up and replied, "Well, you can't say you weren't warned."

  • A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?". A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights? The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood". "Well," the rancher puffed up, "we got bout two and a half inches during that spell".
  • A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain--not so much for me cuz I've seen it--but for my 7-year-old."



    Good Advice For Livin' In Texas

  • Don't squat with yer spurs on.
  • Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
  • Never drop yer gun to hug a grizzly.
  • If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
  • If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
  • A good horse never comes in a bad color.
  • After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
  • Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
  • There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
  • Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
  • If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
  • Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
  • It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
  • Always drink water upstream from the herd.
  • When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
  • When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
  • Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but you might need to know what it was.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.


    Texas Senior Citizens

  • I'm the life of the party....even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
  • I'm very good at opening child proof caps with a hammer.
  • I'm usually interested in going home before I get where I'm going.
  • I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, and antacid.
  • I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
  • I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
  • I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
  • I'm very good at telling stories.....over and over and over and...
  • I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
  • I'm so cared for... long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care, Medicare.
  • I'm not grouchy... I just don't like traffic, waiting in line, crowds, children, politicians.
  • I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
  • I'm wrinkled, saggy, and lumpy... and that's just my left leg.
  • I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.....
  • I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
  • I'm anti-everything now... anti-fat, anti-smoking, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
  • I'm walking more to the bathroom and enjoying it less.
  • I'm supporting all movements now....by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
  • I'm a walking storeroom of facts....I've just lost the storeroom.
  • I'm a senior citizen, and I think I'm having the time of my life! SIGNS THAT YOU'RE OVER THE HILL
  • You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
  • You keep repeating yourself.
  • You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
  • Someone compliments you on your layered look...and you're wearing a swimsuit.
  • You keep repeating yourself.
  • You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.
  • Your insurance company has started sending you their free calendar...one month at a time.
  • At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
  • Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
  • When you do the "Hokey Pokey", you put your left hip out...and it stays out.
  • One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
  • Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
  • You keep repeating yourself.
  • It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
  • You discover the words "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.
  • You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
  • You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
  • You look both ways before crossing a room.
  • You keep repeating yourself.
  • You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
  • The waiter asks how you'd like your steak... and you say, "Pureed."
  • You start beating everyone else at trivia games.
  • You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
  • Your back goes out more than you do.
  • You keep repeating yourself.
  • You refer to your $2500 stereo system as "the hi-fi."
  • You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.
  • You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
  • Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
  • Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
  • The clothes you've put away until they come back in style...came back in style.
  • All of your favorite movies are now colorized.
  • You keep repeating yourself.


    Driving Texas

  • An El Paso policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had just won $50 dollars in a city-wide competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
    "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
    "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
    This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
    At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

    Actual accident excuses used by Texas drivers:

  • My truck was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
  • I hit a stationary truck that was coming from another direction.
  • Coming home, I drove into the wrong yard, and collided with a tree I don't have.
  • The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its path when it hit me.
  • In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  • The guy was all over he road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  • An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my truck and vanished.
  • I had been driving my truck for 40 years when I fell asleep and had an accident.
  • The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go--so I ran over him.
  • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

  • Vehicle regulations for driving in Texas:

    6805 N. LAMAR BLVD. - BOX 4087
    AUSTIN, TEXAS 78773-0001
    Date: April 29, 1999

    TO: All Texas State Safety Inspection Stations
    FROM: Texas Department Of Public Safety
    SUBJECT: Automobile Headlight Dimmer Switches

    1. Pursuant to Texas Department Of Motor Vehicles Act DMV 294-76892.90, all motor vehicles sold in the State of Texas after September 1, 1999 will be required to have the headlight dimmer switch mounted on the floorboard. The dimmer switch must be mounted in a position accessible to operation by pressing the switch by the left foot. The switch position must be far enough removed from the other foot pedals to avoid inadvertent operation-of-pedal confusion.
    2. Included in the above act, and beginning on January 1, 2000, all other vehicles with steering column mounted dimmer switches must be retrofitted with a floorboard mounted dimmer switch of the type described above. The steering column mounted dimmer switch must be disabled or removed. Vehicles which have not made this change will fail the Texas State Safety Inspection.
    3. It is recognized that this requirement will cause some hardship for the driving public. However, this change is being made in the interest of public safety. Texas DMV Act 294-76892.90 will revert all Texas motor vehicles to the prevalent dimmer system in use prior to the influx of foreign market vehicles. A recent study entitled "Initiation Sequence In Texas Nighttime Highway Traffic Accidents", was conducted jointly by the Texas Department Of Public Safety, The Texas Department Of Motor Vehicles and The Transportation Research Department Of The University Of Texas. It has shown that 95% of all Texas nighttime highway accidents are caused by an Aggie getting his foot caught in the steering wheel.


    Park Protection System Alert

    Problem: Gas Detected
    Location: Ranger Headquarters

    Gas Alert

    Advised Action: All park guests are advised to RUN! NOW!!

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