FLYING HUMOR
Last update: 10 July 2001
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RULES |
STORIES |
ANNOUNCEMENTS |
MAINTENANCE |
SAYINGS |
TOP
 Sayings
Keep the aeroplane in such an attitude that the air pressure is directly in the pilot's face. - Horatio C. Barber, 1916
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. - Robert
Livingston, 'Flying The Aeronca
The only time an aircraft has too much fuel on board is when it is on fire. - Sir Charles Kingsford Smith, sometime before his death in the 1920's
Flexible is much too rigid, in aviation you have to be fluid. - Verne Jobst
If you can't afford to do something right, then be darn sure you can afford to do it wrong. - Charlie Nelson
Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day. - Layton A. Bennett
I hope you either take up parachute jumping or stay out of single motored airplanes at night. - Charles A. Lindbergh, to Wiley Post, 1931
Never fly the 'A' model of anything. - Ed Thompson
Never fly anything that doesn't have the paint worn off the rudder Pedals. - Harry Bill
Keep thy airspeed up, less the earth come from below and smite thee. - William Kershner
When a prang seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity, as slowly and gently as possible. - advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II.
Instrument flying is when your mind gets a grip on the fact that there is vision beyond sight. - U.S. Navy 'Approach' magazine circa W.W.II. .
Always keep an 'out' in your hip pocket. - Bevo Howard
The Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. - attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. - Jon McBride, astronaut
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. - Bob Hoover
It occurred to me that if I did not handle the crash correctly, there would be no survivors. - Richard Leakey, after engine failure in a single engine Nairobi, Africa, 1993.
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it. Ride the bastard down.- Ernest K. Gann, advice from the 'old pelican'
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am 80,000 feet and Climbing. - sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location on Kadena AB Okinawa
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. - Paul F. Crickmore
The emergencies you train for almost never happen. It's the one you can't train for that kills you. - Ernest K. Gann, advice from the 'old pelican'
If you want to grow old as a pilot, you've got to know when to push it, and when to back off. - Chuck Yeager
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you. - Richard Herman Jr, 'Firebreak'
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970. .
An airplane might disappoint any pilot but it'll never surprise a good one. - Len Morgan
To most people, the sky is the limit. To those who love aviation, the sky is home.
Life is simple. Eat, sleep, fly.
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Rules
Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull
the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling
the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than
up there wishing you were down here.
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool while in the air. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided
with the sky.
A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'
landing is one after which the plane is still useable.
Learn from the mistakes of other pilots. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power
to taxi to the ramp.
The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the
angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get
to five minutes earlier.
Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.
Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
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Stories
A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH MY!".
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I an so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ...by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
A DC-10 had a exceedingly long roll out after landing at SJC with his
approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the
light to return to the airport."
A controller working a busy pattern told a 727 on downwind to make two
three-sixties (do two complete circles, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained: "Do you know it costs us two thousand
dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied: "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
During taxi, the crew of a USAir flight to Ft Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (female) lashed out at the USAir crew, screaming: "USAir 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on Charlie taxi way; you turned right on Delta. Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right!"
Continuing her lashing of the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up. It'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You
got that, USAir 2771?!??" The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am."
Naturally, the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Finally, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave and they're getting a little impatient. But the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon and the flight can takeoff immediately there after. The entrance opens and two men
walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot's uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white-tipped cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing around, nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the edge of the water at the end of the airport's runway. It begins to look as though the plane will never take off - that it will plow into the water!! Panicked screams fill the cabin-but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die!"
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the
flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 471, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 471, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you
have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where
the fuel truck is."
A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?"
The clerk said, "Just a minute."
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.
A man walks up to the counter at the airport. "Can I help you?" asks the agent.
"I want a round trip ticket," says the man.
"Where to?" asks the agent.
"Right back to here."
A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk, "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle."
"I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."
"Why not? You did it last time!"
"Flight 123, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed
the highway!"
Instead of making an official request to the tower during a night approach, a new and foolish pilot radioed the controller by saying:
"Guess who?". The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!".
TOP
Announcements
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight UVW to XYZ. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
more than one small child...pick your favorite.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation devices, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and keep them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
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Maintenance Complaints
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. Pilots write up problems they find so maintenance crews can fix them before the next flight.
(P)=Problem (S)=Solution
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal
seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative in the OFF mode
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be
serious
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words
(P) Smoke in cockpit
(S) Put up No Smoking sign
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On A Serious Note...
This is all good fun. Be aware, however, that it is a federal offense to in any way interfere with, or be obnoxious to, any and all flight crew members during any part of a flight (in the air or on the ground). You could find yourself greeted by federal marshals and escorted off the aircraft at the soonest possible opportunity. Just a word to the wise... be courteous, keep your cool, and stay sober!
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Background music: "Sometimes When We Touch".
THAT BE IT FOR NOW
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