Ranger Keith
This are posta be me in my Park Ranger uniform, but some stink bait keeps changing the pitchur. If I have pigtails, they've done it again. I wish whoever keeps doing that would STOPPIT!!
Alan Keith
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Ranger Keith
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Messyzaneous Humor
by Ranger Keith
Chief Park Ranger for Ransom Park, Texas
Page updated: 18 July 2001
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This page contains all the clean humor we receive here at the park which doesn't fit into the other catagories (Chapel Humor, Texas Humor, Flying Humor). It's a lot to have on one page, but once it's loaded onto the screen, you can read (and laugh, I hope) for an hour.
I'll be constantly adding to this so look for the new stuff.
Enjoy... Alan Keith.
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He/she was so dumb...
..she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
..he sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
..she thought a quarterback was a refund.
..he tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
..she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
..he thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
..she thought General Motors was in the army.
..he thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
..she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
..under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
..he tripped over a cordless phone.
..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
..he told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
..at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
..he asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
..she studied for a blood test.
..he thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
..he sold the car for gas money!
..when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
..when he went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," he turned around and went home.
..when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
..he thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
..if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
..he thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
..she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
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Signs
In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a fence: Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.
Chicago radiator shop: Best place in town to take a leak.
At a military hospital-door to endoscopy: To expedite your visit please back in.
A guy in a taxi wanted to spead to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car jumped the curb, demolished a lamp post and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said 'I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something.'
The taxi driver says, 'It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years!
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Husbands and Wives
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last: Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday's, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"...I said, "Dust!"
Why do men die before their wives? Cause they want to.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "Gosh, I wish I had your willpower."
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Food For Thought
Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.
When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year.
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
"Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive."
"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."
"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at ex-lovers, and miss.
Cooking lesson #1: Don't fry bacon in the nude.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.
If you're not part of the solution, start another problem!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kick boxing.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to
stand on.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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Expressions For Women On High Stress Days
You - Off my planet.
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Allow me to introduce you to my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
Can I trade this job for what's behind door # 2?
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
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Health and Exercise
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: How could that be true? Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually, so how could speeding up your heart make you live longer? That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it more. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: My wife/girlfriend says I should cut down on meat, and eat more fruits and vegetables.
A: Your wife just doesn't grasp logistical efficiencies the way you do. Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And what's corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass.
Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs, though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to re-evaluate your exercise program... among other things.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program.
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.
Q: I'm getting a little soft around the middle. Will sit-ups help this?
A: Definitely not! Look, when you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger, right? You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: I thought it would be good for me to carry my clubs when I play golf, but last weekend some idiot almost ran over me with the golf cart!
A: Ooh, sorry, I was reaching into my cooler and didn't see you.
Q: There's a lot of equipment available at the gym today, like the treadmill, the stair-stepper, etc. Which one do you recommend?
A: The strato-lounger.
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Bits of Wisdumb
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out?
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.
A day without sunshine is like night.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish
and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and
blamed it on the cost of living.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to
end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by
those who got there first.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just
whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl
Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way
they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running
child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be "meetings."
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Never lick a steak knife.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes.That way,
if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out
of my face.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a
garage makes you a mechanic.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm
in the bathroom.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is
research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
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Maternity Quiz
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's gender?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two... three... five.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
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You know you are in the 2000's when...
You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails
you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it
contains echinacea.
You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail in box asking you to send her a
JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of
the screen.
You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a
purchase is foreign to you.
Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.
You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just
pulled the plug on a loved one.
You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)
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Jobs that didn't work:
Orange juice factory: I got canned 'cause I couldn't concentrate.
Lumberjack: couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
Tailor: wasn't suited for it... was a so-so job anyway.
Muffler factory: too exhausting.
Barber: couldn't cut it.
Chef (figured it would add a little spice to my life): just didn't have the thyme.
Deli worker: any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
Musician: found I wasn't noteworthy.
Doctor: didn't have any patients.
Nurse: didn't pan out 'cause I always felt shot.
Shoe factory: didn't fit in.
Lobster fisherman: couldn't live on my net income.
Witch: only for a short spell.
Pool maintenance: work was too draining.
Feeding giraffes at the zoo: didn't feel up to it.
Exercise gym: wasn't fit for the job.
Electrician: the work was too shocking.
Historian: no future in it.
Coffee shop: same old grind.
Truck driver: they wouldn't allow me any brakes.
Carpenter: saw I wood knot make a good stud.
Pilot: bad eyes... couldn't see plane enough.
House painter: allways felt stirred up.
Sanitation worker: never could pick it up.
Wallpaperer: couldn't get the hang of it.
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Job Interview Lowlights
Top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations were serveyed and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants:
"... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
"She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
"A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
"... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
"... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
"Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.""Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
"When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
"At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
"... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
"Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
"While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
"During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
"A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there
was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
"His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
"Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
"... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
"Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."
MENU
Only in America...
can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" "meaning bloodsucking creatures."
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
MENU
You're drinking too much coffee if...
You answer the door before people knock.
You ski uphill.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using
the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
You can type sixty words per minute...with your feet.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity
in a coffee can.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
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Food Wisdom for Bachelors
ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.
FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of
the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway -- if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!
MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.
UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: - Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of ... Very carefully.
POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
THE GAG TEST - Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.
CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.
FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.
PRETZELS: Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.
RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.
SALT: It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.
SPICES: Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.
VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.
EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
CHINESE FOOD: Should have never been brought home in the first place.
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How Come?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?
How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot... and something cold, cold?
What is the speed of dark?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
What's another word for synonym?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
How can there be self-help groups?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed
to throw the top one away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder
why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? Or maybe I'll just have a big bunch of purples
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
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Office Signs
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by
killing all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
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Business Signs
Plumber: "We repair what your husband Fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."
At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push."
At an Optometrists Office: "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence: "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
At a car Dealership : "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! "
At the Electric Company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
MENU
Employee Evaluations
Quotes taken from actual U.S. Federal Employee Performance Evaluations
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This employee is not really so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat."
"When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young man has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic ring to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a sign post."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done with using it."
"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd receive change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 Minutes'."
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Bumper Snickers
If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek
counseling.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
The earth is full - go home.
So many pedestrians - so little time.
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
If we quit voting, will they all go away?
The face is familiar, but I can't quite remember my name.
Illiterate? Write for help.
Honk if anything falls off.
He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit.
I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
Boldly going nowhere.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
Forget the Whales. Save the Cowboy
I'm From the Government. I'm Here to Help You.
This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random.
Don't steal. The government hates the competition.
Very Funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Forget about world peace...visualize using your turn signal.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
Warning: dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie!"... Till you can
find a rock.
Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog....Dorothy
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
Wink, I'll do the rest!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its
students!
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be
Assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
All generalizations are false.
I brake for no apparent reason.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
Born free...Taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
No radio - Already stolen.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
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Misclassified Ads
(From real newspaper ads)
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings,555-1234. Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully
by hand.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds,
and other athletic facilities.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable
that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit : one.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted : chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Wanted : Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted : Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will take care of your child. Fenced yard,
meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.
Blue Cross and salary.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivalled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home
for $1.00.
MENU
Children's View of Life
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
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Grownup's View of Life
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to, For
example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that don't hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and
let the air out of their tires.
Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
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Growing Old
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat are really good friends.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it
shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your
hips.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can
usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
Your back goes out but you stay home.
When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you're on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.
When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your biofocals.
It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
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Top Ten Old Folk's Party Games
10. Musical Recliners
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
8. Hide and Go Pee
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
6. Doc, Doc Goose
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
4. Kick the Bucket
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
1. Sag, You're It!
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Oxymorons
Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Airline Food
Chinese food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Child proof
Now, then ...
Synthetic natural gas
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Microsoft Works
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Anagrams
(An anagram is a word or phrase made by rearranging the letters of another word or phrase).
Dormitory - Dirty Room
Desperation - A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code - Here come Dots
Slot Machines - Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity - Is No Amity
Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms - Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness - Genuine Class
Semolina - Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries - Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point - I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes - That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one
Contradiction - Accord not in it
Astronomer - Moon Starer
Princess Diana - End Is A Car Spin
Year Two Thousand - A Year To Shut Down
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Ladie's T-Shirts
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing...6 minutes.
Please don't make me kill you.
And your point is...?
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
I am out of estrogen, and I have a gun.
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Stories
A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large
trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a
couple of headlights." He goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong place, look at what he ordered!" The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes and 2 eggs sunny-side up."
"I get it," replies the waiter. So on his way back out to the
counter he takes a bowl of beans to the trucker. He looks at it and says, "I didn't order this!"
The young man tells him, "I figured while you're waiting for your
parts you might as well gas up!"
A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy
preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name
about ten years ago."
A fellow slid his car off a road and ended up in a ditch. A
farmhouse was nearby so the motorist asked the owner if he had a
tractor he could borrow to get his truck back on the road. "Nope, but I got my mule, Blue," said the farmer.
"I doubt a mule is strong enough to pull my truck out."
"You don't know Blue," said the mule's proud owner. So Blue was hitched to the truck. "Pull, Blue!" The truck didn't move. And the farmer then called out, "Pull, Elmer!" The truck moved a little. Then the farmer yelled, "Pull, Biscuit," and the truck was free.
"Thank you so much," said the truck owner. "But I have a question.
You called your mule by three different names. How is that?"
"Simple," said the farmer. "Blue is blind. And if he thought he was
the only one pulling, your truck would still be in the ditch!"
A little girl was sitting on her daddy's lap. She gazed up at her
father and said, "Daddy, did anyone ever tell you that you're the most wonderful and smartest man in the world?" Her father, filled with pride said, "Why no, honey, they haven't." "Then where did you get the idea?" She asked.
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New Dog Breeds
The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC--do you have any of them?
Collie + Lhasa Apso - Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow - Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter - Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund - Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso - Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel - Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever - Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound - Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog - Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador - Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer - Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute - Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier - Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + Shitzu - Oh, never mind....
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School Daze
A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades".
The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the
abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which
there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
state.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and
the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two
molars, and eight cuspidors.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative
or negative.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart
stops.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it.
For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your
throat.
To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above
the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical
doctor.
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A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds: "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and
deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even
when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."
"There are two kinds of love Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
"God could have said magic words to make the nails fall off the cross, but He didn't. That's love."
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Answering Machines
The Mental Health Institute Answering Machine
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want...Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
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Proverbs
PROVERBS FOR THE MILLENIUM
Home is where you hang your @.
The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
Great groups from little icons grow.
Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
C:\ is the root of all directories.
Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
The modem is the message.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
There's no place like http://www.home.com
Don't byte off more than you can view.
Fax is stranger than fiction.
What boots up must come down.
Windows will never cease.
Virtual reality is its own reward.
Modulation in all things.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the
net and he won't bother you for weeks.
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Language Messes
Well known phrases altered by just one letter
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? Can you drive a French motorcycle?
IDIOS AMIGOS. We are two wild and crazy guys from south of the border.
COGITO, EGGO SUM. I think, therefore I am a waffle.
RIGOR MORRIS. The cat is dead.
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID. Honk if you're Scottish.
QUE SERA SERF. Life is feudal.
LE ROI EST MORT, JIVE LE ROI. The king is dead. No kidding.
POSH MORTEM. Death styles of the rich and famous.
VENI, VIPI, VICI. I came, I am a very important person, I conquered.
PRO BOZO PUBLICO. Support your local clown.
MONAGE A TROIS. I am three years old.
FELIX NAVIDAD. Our cat has a boat.
HASTE CUISINE. Fast French food.
VENI, VIDI, VICE. I came, I saw, I partied.
QUIP PRO QUO. A fast retort.
ALOHA OY. Love, greetings, farewell; from such a pain you should never
know.
MAZEL TON. Tons of good luck.
APRES MOE LE DELUGE. Curly and Larry got wet.
PORT-KOCHERE. Sacramental wine.
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Fickle Phonics
We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
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How to write good
Avoid alliteration. Always.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
The adverb always follows the verb.
Employ the vernacular.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
Remember to never split an infinitive.
Contractions aren't necessary.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
One should never generalize.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
Be more or less specific.
Understatement is always best.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Don't never use a double negation.
capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
Do not put statements in the negative form.
Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
A writer must not shift your point of view.
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!!!!!
Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
Always pick on the correct idiom.
Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; they're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
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Daffynitions
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid & a butthead.
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Poetry
Dr. Seuss explains why computers sometimes crash:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted because the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel onto another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall!
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you'll have to flash your memory, and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
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My New Spell Checker
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
Sauce unknown
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My Spell Checker
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That's why eye brake in two averse
Caws Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
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HAM Radio Christmas
(NOTE: unless you're an Amateur Radio Operator, most of
this will be meaningless).
'Twas the night before Christmas and in the ham shack,
Was the warm glow of tubes in the transmitting rack.
The log book was brought up to date with great care,
In case the FCC might some day be there.
XYL and Harmonics were snug in their beds,
My strong RF waves safely from their heads.
I plugged in the mike and adjusted the VFO,
Getting all set for a late night QSO.
When up from the F layer there arose such a clatter,
I looked to the window to see what was the matter.
Then up on the roof by the forty meter beam,
There came QRM like a heterodyne scream.
On Icom, on Kenwood, on Yaesu and Ten-Tec,
On Comet, on Collins, on Alinco and Cushcraft.
Bias to the grid and volts to the plate,
Just watch the S-Meter while we all modulate.
As I turned to the rig and reached for the dial,
From the energized tuner Santa slid with a smile.
An RF choke he held tight in his teeth,
And coax encircling his head like a wreath.
A bundle of ham gear hung from his hand,
Was that MY name on a new dual band?
He had a snub nose like an egg insulator,
And his cheeks glowed bright red like a hot oscillator.
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
Laying out all the gear, then turned with a jerk.
And laying a wave meter along side of his nose,
Said, "Please QSL." and up the feeders he 'rose.
He climbed up the dipole, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a jet propelled missile.
But I heard his last signal from the upper ionosphere,
Seventy Three, Eighty Eight, Merry Christmas... I'm clear.
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